Holy shit, what a year.
When 2016 started, I had no idea what I was in for. I’m not going to lie, this year was an almost irrevocable shitshow. Some really fucking awesome highs, but some pretty abysmal lows as well. Not just for me, it seems, 2016 was hard for lots of people. I try and think on that as I look back over this trashfire that was 2016, I try and remember that no matter how hard it has been for me personally, there have been others suffering just as badly… and worse.
I’m tempted to say that this year has been a revelation that optimism for the future is a mistake, but something inside of me absolutely rejects that. You see, I like to think that I am fundamentally a good person. A poor human, maybe, but I wake up most days with the drive to improve, to better both myself and the world around me. I want good things for most people, and even with the shit that has gone down this year, I can honestly say that I still have no one that I can say I truly hate. If I’ve learned anything this year, it would be that hate really is the thing that we must always fight against. It’s so easy to fall into the miasma of anger and hurt and rage, and as Yoda so famously said, all of that is the path to the dark side.
Yeah, it’s a statement made by a fictional character, but it packs some very serious truth. It’s easy to dismiss it as just a silly thing said by a silly person, but I refuse to just accept that. Because while I can’t say this year renewed my faith in humanity, it has renewed some of my faith in community. I watch and I see how people that have given in to anger and hate have devolved into people I can no longer recognize. I’ve seen good people become bad ones, and I’ve seen good people rise above their circumstances to trudge on, not giving into the anger that can come so very easily.
I’ve lost so much this year. It’d be easy to just dwell on that, to focus on that and just give up. Hell, it’s a fucking battle not to. My mental illness has reared its head in a very ugly way this year, and I’ve taken hit after hit to my faith in people, and my faith in myself. I’ve made some pretty big mistakes in my life, and this year, it was brought home to me how much those mistakes can cost me.
This year, I lost my connection to most of my family, the person I loved and continue to love with every part of me that still can love, my trust in the American electorate, and I very nearly lost my life. I learned I cannot rely on people I thought I could, and I learned that even though I like to think of myself as someone who is very observant, I missed something going on in my own home, and that cost me nearly everything. I didn’t see the damage that was being caused to someone I love, and even when I started to see it, I thought (selfishly) that I could handle it, that I was equipped with the tools necessary to just… fix everything. To my unending grief, I was so very wrong.
But even so, I also learned that there is an incredible strength in those I’ve chosen as family. So many of you stepped up and helped me in so many ways. I can honestly say that without your love and support, I would no longer be among you. There were so many times when I just wanted to give up, to just… go away. But not once did you let me go. There was always someone that stepped up and carried my burdens when I couldn’t, and I absolutely cannot thank you enough.
You taught me about love of family in a way that my actual family has so abysmally failed at. You taught me that there are people, LOTS of people, that care. That you won't let one of your own go quietly into the dark, surrendering to the morass of ills this world sometimes can be. This year taught me that my strength isn’t always enough, that I can’t carry everyone and everything, that I absolutely capable of cataclysmic failure. But you taught me that when my strength is gone, that you will step up and walk beside me until I have passed through.
“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.”
In my grief, you were there. In my failing health, you were there. In my loneliness, you were there. In my weakness, you were strong. When I wanted to die, you gave me something to live for.
So many times this year has taken a swing at me, and even when I took hit after hit, there was someone or many someones there to help me back to my feet. Hell, some of you even took hits FOR me, and I have incurred a debt that I can never repay.
The world tried to teach me this year that love is not enough. You taught me that love is always enough. This gives me hope, and I look forward to 2017 with breathless anticipation.
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To the events that keep asking me back - Thank you for taking a chance on me. You have provided so many wonderful opportunities to meet and love so many amazing people, and I can only express my gratitude by continuing to try and exceed the expectations you have for me. Your trust in me is inspiring, and for that, I thank you.
To my students - I love doing what I do because of you. For each expression of wonder, for each wide eyed moment of understanding, for each breakthrough and expansion of self I’ve witnessed, these are my reasons for continuing to travel and share. So many of you have become more than just students or clients, you have become my friends, and that means the world for me. Your faith in me is humbling, and for that, I thank you.
To my play partners - holy shit, we’ve had some times, eh? I don’t understand why any of you would want to do some of the crazy shit we’ve done, but goddamn. I’ve had a lot of fun this year, and I’ve been the cause of a lot of tears, a lot of pretty vile oaths, some intense glares, and some really awesome moments of release. You share with me in ways that I am continuously in awe of, and the amount of love you have shown to me is staggering in its immensity. Your willingness to let go with me is amazing, and for this, I thank you.
To my fellow NARIX board members - This year was the year the experiment became a pattern. You have put up with my insanity, and together we have crafted a reality for a dream that many people said would never happen. You made me a believer, and you taught me that when we work together, we can make something truly wonderful. We have walked through the fire together, and that means more to me than words can adequately express. You dared to dream with me, and for this, I thank you.
To the bird - You taught me that I am not observant enough. You taught me not to ignore the words of my partners. You showed me that I can be manipulated by those that I trust, and that the single minded pursuit of self is shockingly destructive at the best of times. I learned a lot about my weakness because of your selfishness, and while I weep for the lesson, I have grown. I cannot forget what you have done, but I have learned that I can forgive you. Your machinations taught me regret as well as forgiveness, and for this I thank you.
To my chosen family - You have all stepped up and walked with me through the valley. You steadied me when I stumbled, you carried me when I fell, and you dragged me from my darkness in ways I desperately needed. When I wept, you wept with me. When I bled, you bled with me. When I broke, you held me together. You taught me that I am capable of crying tears of gratitude and love, and for this I thank you.
To ka - you taught me to live again. Together we explored a realm that was utterly terrifying for me. I learned that I am capable of feeling things, and your love helped me to genuinely feel alive. Because of you, I can see some people as people, and I was able to experience empathy in a way that was both immeasurably painful and breathtakingly beautiful. You helped me to become a better human, even though it came at the price of such heartbreak. I will never forget you, and I will love you until my heart ceases to beat. You were there for me when I needed you the most, and for this, I thank you.
To L - you love me even though I am broken. You love me even though I am incomplete. You love me even though I am failed. You love me regardless of my damage, and for this, I thank you.
To my kinky community around the globe - You taught me to have faith. In weakness, there is strength. In hate, there is love. You have surrounded me in love and support in ways I never thought possible, and for this, I thank you.
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