On Titles

I don’t give a damn about your title, unless I know you earned it.

I don’t give a damn about what title you refer to me with, unless I know I’ve earned it.

Through an odd course of events, the topic of titles has come up repeatedly in multiple contexts in the last few weeks, and I’m actually kind of tired of it. I’ve had the tremendous honor of knowing multiple title holders, as well as a few wonderful people I know and respect the title that they carry. Master this, Sir that, Dame whatever, etc. are all titles that don’t mean a fucking thing to me simply because you decided that you can assume this title.

Let me make something very clear from the outset: time “in grade” is not the sole metric for having a title. If you’re one of those people that thinks simply because you’ve been in the lifestyle for X years that you’re now entitled to wear the honorific of whatever, then I’m afraid you haven’t got the qualifications for whatever title you wish to bestow upon yourself. There’s the old adage of 10,000 hours of practice makes one a Master, but I must definitely disagree. Practice does not make perfect, PERFECT practice makes perfect. You may have spent 10,000 hours in sweaty practice on whatever you’re practicing at, but if you’ve been putting in sloppy hours and half-hearted practice, I don’t give a damn about how long you spent.

Titles are earned. Not all honorifics are titles.

Sir -

This is the only honorific I demand, and only from those specifically in service to me. I demand it as a token of respect, as an honorific. I require those in service to me to behave with respect and courtesy towards those that deserve it. It is a sign of respect to refer to someone as sir or ma’am, and in the south most of us were raised to refer to someone as either ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’ as a sign of polite discourse. If I happen to call you either of these things, it is because it has been ingrained in me since birth to be respectful of those around me, even when I’m not entirely certain that they deserve it.

The Title of “Sir” or “Dame” is different, in that it has been awarded by a seated monarch. Obviously, few of those in the lifestyle have been awarded such an honor by a monarch, but I tend to hold the bearers of such titles to a similar standard as set forth in the nomination procedure for the title:

making a difference to their community or field of work

enhancing Britain’s reputation

long-term voluntary service

innovation and entrepreneurship

changing things, with an emphasis on achievement

improving life for people less able to help themselves

displaying moral courage

- Honours Application

In terms of the lifestyle, it is easy to see where the translation is. Instead of “Britain’s reputation”, I see it as “enhancing the lifestyle in general”, or “enhancing the reputation of X subset”

If I know someone has done all of these things, I see no issue with respecting their title of Sir or Dame.

In the Leather world, there are several procedures and protocols that go along with attaining the title of “Sir”, though I believe that many of them involve much of what is listed above. Since the majority of the Leather path involves service to the community, these titles are also ones that I greatly respect and honor.

Master -

This one is significantly more complicated.

The Oxford Dictionary has many definitions for “master”, and I believe a few of them are worth transcribing here:

1. chiefly historical - A man who has people working for him, especially servants or slaves:

“he acceded to his master’s wishes”

2. A man in charge of an organization or group, in particular:

“they had to act according to the dictates of the political masters.”

3. A skilled practitioner of a particular art or activity:

“I’m a master of disguise”

3.1 A great artist or musician:

”follow in the footsteps of the masters and paint in locations made famous by their work”

5.1 archaic A title for a man of high rank or learning.

There is an excellent article on attaining mastery over at Criver: The Journey from Novice to Master

By these definitions, many of us could be considered “Masters”, but it is something quite a bit more nebulous than that, I think. In the lifestyle, a Master must encompass all of the things listed above, but also must be more than that. I really love the Leather tradition of granting Coverings to those who have shown exemplary behavior, long service to the community, great effort expended in mastering their crafts and skills, proficiency in teaching and guiding others, helping to build and strengthen the community, etc. The title of Master is one that is not just granted because you’ve been in the lifestyle for forever, but because you have spent many years helping the community to grow and flourish, you’ve helped mentor and teach and guide many that have followed along the path, without ever forgetting that you are on the path as well.

The article I listed quotes Confucius: “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” They utilize this while reminding us that mastery is not a static thing, that in order to remain a Master, one must be constantly working to better their skills in order to retain them. “Without constant practice, the slip from Master to Journeyman is all too easy.”

I also want to add here that there is a significant difference in this title as well between the Title and the honorific. You “own” a slave, and s/he refers to you as “master.” This is an honorific, and it exists as a part of your dynamic. I respect your dynamic, and what you call each other is entirely up to you, but unless you’ve gone through what I’ve listed above, I am not going to accord you that Title OR that honorific.

There have been several people that have referred to me as a “Master”, and for now, I’m afraid that I must respectfully decline the title. Have I put in the 10,000 hours? Arguably. I’ve been in the lifestyle for a long time, and the vast majority of that time has been spent eagerly learning everything that I can and putting it into practice as much as I can. I work each day to learn and grow, to better myself as a human, as a leader, as an Owner, and as a practitioner of several different forms of art.

But I don’t think that I’ve attained this title yet. I serve my community, I work for it. I’ve trained and taught and mentored, but I still don’t believe that I’ve attained Mastery. Perhaps one day, perhaps not. Until that day comes, I will not use this title outside of a dynamic.

Even there, I don’t accept that title willy nilly. This is a title I must earn, even within my dynamics. I work towards mastery every day, and regardless of the practical aspects of my relationship with my property, the decision is ultimately theirs when they wish to call me “master”.

Daddy -

Of the three titles I’m going to talk about, this one is the most personal and the most difficult to define. I am a “Daddy” type. Even though I can be cruel and strict and brutal and violent, underneath all of that, I am a Daddy. But it is such a deeply intimate part of who I am and what I am that it is also the place where I am the most vulnerable. It is the place where my heart is open, my armor no longer shields me, a place where I can be the most hurt.

So I require my property to earn the right to call me Daddy. It’s not a title that is simply chosen at random. It isn’t just something that gets me turned on and ready for fuck. While it is that, it is also something special.

But even then, that’s not always the case. There are special exceptions, people that I have in my life that I allow to call me Daddy, but the context is very different. I am “daddy” as an honorific, not as a Title. These are people that I love and trust, and they may be “baby-”, but they’re not MY “baby-”, just as I’m not their Daddy.

Outside of my personal life? I respect that not everyone has the same definition for what “daddy” means to them. But because of how deeply personal it is in my life, I also expect them to respect that I cannot and will not call THEM “daddy” or “mommy”. I’ll just stick with “Sir” or “Hey you.”

In Service

How is it that some people feel that it is completely acceptable to wholly take leave of their senses?

What is it about D/s that breeds megalomaniac insanity? All right, I understand that being on the left side of the slash makes you feel powerful, but must that be at the expense of everyone around you?

There are a few things that I never really understood about D/s and the lifestyle in general. First, I don’t understand why some D-types feel the need to stress their D-ness on every single s-type around them, treating them like chattel, and yet expecting to be treated with the utmost respect and worship. Second, and it generally involves the same people, I don’t understand the idiot practice of “Dom-topping”.

Let’s descend into it for a bit, shall we?

So, you’ve decided to take the step into the BDSM lifestyle. You’ve decided that your lot in this world is to exist on the left side, and thus Your Name becomes synonymous with God Herself. The birds sing your praises, the hordes of the unwashed all bow and worship the ground upon which you walk, and all of those that exist in the Lifestyle that aren’t on the left side alongside Yourself are to be used as slaves and treated as though they are meaningless.

Wrong.

This lifestyle is full of all kinds of people. There are some that truly enjoy being broken down and used and abused, people that love being treated like trash, spoken down to, insulted... by the people that they love and respect. You, regardless of how many years you’ve been putting on your leather chaps and boots, are a veritable stranger. Even if you have a huge reputation, dozens of leather titles, bondage awards, headline appearances, you do not have the right to just go around treating them like they are worthless.

Even though there are some people that love being treated like they are worthless, that doesn’t give you the right to treat ALL people like they are worthless. Whatever happened to respect and being polite? So what, you have a title. I respect that you worked hard and got a covering, or your tireless work and dedication has earned you the reputation as one of the great Nawashi, or your photography is some of the best in the fetish world, that does not give you the right to stomp on everyone around you.

Over and over again I see people, big names and small, treat all the non D-types in a room like they’re nothing. Casually giving orders like some sort of miniature potentate, bossing everyone around, treating people with the casual disrespect of the imminently self-absorbed. It’s tremendously disrespectful, and it drives me up the wall.

I have been guilty of this as well.

I know what it is like to walk into a room full of people that know who I am, that respect my work and my knowledge, that fall all over themselves to provide whatever I want. It’s a heady drug, powerful, intoxicating, addicting. I’ve looked back over my reaction to this with horror. I have no right to chastise anyone for this behavior, because I have engaged in it myself. It is wrong, and abhorrent, and stupid. It lessens me as a man, even if my behavior is accepted, understood, expected.

Treat everyone with respect. Behave in a way that is above reproach. All are deserving of basic forms of courtesy, regardless of some sort of supposed “rank”. I have disregarded this too many times, for even once is too many, and I am utterly disgusted with it.

I strive towards service.

In all my exalted D-type ness, I strive to serve the community, the lifestyle that has sheltered and helped me. This is my life, the blood of my essence, the thing that lets me sleep at night knowing that when I wake up, I’ll still be a member of a group of people that will accept me for me, and not just because I can do cool shit with a camera or a length of braided grass.

When I travel, I am in service to the Event that I am traveling to. I take it as a personal goal of mine to help, to answer questions, to be accessible. If I can help only one person to find a deeper understanding of this whole kink thing we’re involved in, I will consider the trip a success. If one person can take something I share and can bring it into practice in their own life, then I will know that my service was a success.

In the end, I want to be known as a kink/lifestyle educator. Not as a photographer, not as a mad scientist of sadism, or even as a rope top. I love this world, I’ve given up more than you will ever know to remain a part of it, because I cannot simply cut it out of my heart and soul. And as you have given to me, I will give of myself until there is nothing left to share.

But, even this, does not grant me some sort of freakish “betterness”. I am just like you. A person first, a kinkster second. It doesn’t grant me magical powers. It doesn’t make me greater or lesser than anyone else. It doesn’t give me license to treat anyone like shit, in fact it should force me to treat everyone with respect, whether I believe that they deserve it or not. You are people. You are family. I should always treat you as such.

Unless you consent to otherwise. Then I will piss on your soul and shatter your beautiful little world.